FAQs About the Book

· What is Repetition Compulsion?

Children learn what they live. If a child lives with love and acceptance, it becomes their 'normal'. If a child lives with abuse, then abuse becomes their 'normal'. As we grow up, we are subconsciously programmed to repeat what is 'normal' for us; we gravitate to what feels 'normal'. If abuse is our 'normal', by our actions and choices in our adult lives, we recreate the abuse. We re-victimise ourselves as we get ourselves into situations that make us re-live the abuse we suffered as children. Therefore, our childhood is not over just because we become adults. Repetition Compulsion is subconscious. This means we don't even know we are doing it. It is out of our control and therefore again, how can we stop doing something we don't even know we are doing? I would ask readers, who have had an abusive childhood, to look at their lives. Is it a series of disasters? A catalogue of what you would considers failures? If you look at some of the abusive incidents in your childhood, can you see this type of situation repeated in your adult life? Can you see a pattern where you, as an adult, are having to deal with abusive situations you already dealt with as a child? As an adult, if your actions and decisions lead you to experience abusive situations, you are very likely living under the sub-conscious control of Repetition Compulsion.

· Why did you write the book?

How can we stop doing something if we don't even know we are doing it? I wrote this book as I want people to know about Repetition Compulsion. If they know about Repetition Compulsion, only then can they explore whether or not they are under the control of Repetition Compulsion. I never hear people talk of Repetition Compulsion, but I come across people all the time who are caught up in it. I would like there to be much more of an awareness about Repetition Compulsion, so that from adolescence to adulthood, people can be aware of whether or not Repetition Compulsion plays a part in their lives. Knowledge is power. I learned about Repetition Compulsion in my mid-forties, but by then I had had plenty of time to re-victimise myself. I wish I had known about it way sooner.

· Who is the book aimed at?

This book is aimed at any person who has had a difficult childhood and is dealing with the fallout from this difficult childhood. I would define abuse as 'when somebody causes us harm'. Harm damages us and we carry this damage throughout our lives. We even recreate the damage through Repetition Compulsion. Some people are slow to admit they had an abusive childhood. Here are 3 reasons why - They don't want to be seen to bash their parents, they don't want to come across as a perpetual victim and lastly, abusers are usually so warm and friendly when in company, they only carry out the abuse when there are no witnesses, so victims feel they won't be believed if they report someone as being abusive when that someone is hugely popular outside of the home. For these reasons, some people never talk about the abuse. These are very sensitive issues and I try to deal with them in the book. For these people, it is not bashing your parents to state you had a tough childhood. Also, you are not a victim if you tell someone you had a tough childhood. No matter how good an abuser is at fooling people, don't be afraid to tell your story if they abused you in secret. Some people will believe you and you will find those people.

But there is one point I would like to stress. If our lives have not gone well, we do need to acknowledge our part in our bad decisions and bad choices. We have to take responsibility for how our adult lives are. But, if things have gone badly, we must not admonish ourselves. We must allow ourselves forgiveness, as all our actions and choices were made under the control of Repetition Compulsion. So accept we are responsible for what we have done but now that we know about Repetition Compulsion, we can ask ourselves if these actions and choices were made under the influence of this sub-conscious process? If we answer 'Yes' to this question, then we have to forgive ourselves for bad actions and bad decisions as we didn't know we were doing them.

· When writing this book, considering you want it to help people, how did you approach this topic?

I wanted to avoid and academic book full of theory. I find that material very hard to understand as I am not a therapist and I didn't study psychology. I found when reading self-help books myself, I always understood the topic more if the book gave examples from a person's life. So, hopefully for readers, in order to make the topic easier to understand, I used examples of Repetition Compulsion in a person's life. These examples ranged from romantic relationships to issues in the workplace and other issues in our general dealings with people. In these examples, I tried to show how Repetition Compulsion is at work in our lives and we are not even aware of it being there. Repetition Compulsion infiltrates all our actions and decisions and I tried to show this by giving these examples. The examples are of real events from real lives, but I used a fictional character so as to keep confidentiality.

· What message would you like readers to take away?

I have good news for readers. Once I learned about Repetition Compulsion, I was able to stop it controlling me. It took constant practice by being constantly aware of how I was making important decisions. A person can only stop doing something that hurts them when they are aware they are actually doing it. So once you have learned about Repetition Compulsion, you can then start to identify if Repetition Compulsion plays a part in your life. If you feel it does, then you have the power to stop it, as it is no longer a sub-conscious force. It becomes conscious – i.e. you are aware of it. We can stop something we are aware of. When we stop living our lives under the power of Repetition Compulsion, we have control over our actions and decisions. We are now able to stop recreating the abuse we suffered as children. We can stop re-victimising ourselves. Therefore, life becomes so much better as we are not constantly dealing with more abuse.

For some people this awareness of Repetition Compulsion leads them to being immediately able to stop its influence in their lives. Others may need help learning to practice this new way of living. This help can be found by seeking out a fully qualified, accredited therapist who is knowledgeable about Repetition Compulsion. In Ireland, to find a therapist near you, please look up IACP (Irish Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy), IAHIP (Irish Association for Humanistic and Integrative Psychotherapy) or ICP (Irish Council for Psychotherapy) and PSI (Psychological Society of Ireland).

For anywhere in the world, it is vital that you check a therapist belongs to an accredited psychotherapy association in your country. Only then can you know they will be safe to work with. Always check if someone claiming to be a 'therapist' is fully qualified and accredited.